Abused women blame themselves for many things. That is the inevitable consequence of domestic violence. In this article we will focus on just one aspect of domestic violence; that is mental and emotional abuse. Generally, the things that women who have experienced domestic violence blame themselves for fall into one of two categories: things that are not their fault and things that are not important in the grand scheme of things.

Things that are not their fault include:

  • Make a mess of individual situations. The outbursts of his partners are always, somehow, his fault.
  • Spoiling the relationship. (Actually, they are the ones trying to hold it together.)
  • Be stupid (They are not, although they will honor the unfortunate decision to love a man who is not worthy of them.)
  • Being too old or too young. (They are as old as they are. It takes a special kind of idiot to turn around one day and tell someone 21, 41 or 71 that they are suddenly unacceptable.
  • Be ugly. (Living a life of ugliness is enough to make anyone feel ugly; but the ugliness is in the abusive man’s eyes, not his partner.)
  • Not being good enough. (Good enough for whom, for crying out loud? And how did that happen? make a mistake in selecting your woman in the first place? Or do you operate a sliding scale?)
  • Being failures as women. (It is what they are told. What it means is that they are not the perfect cross between a slave and a supermodel. Not that their partner is a dead ringer to George Clooney! But that does not count).

Things that are not important include:

  • His weight. (It is perfectly possible to be overweight, underweight or the perfect weight and be loved. But not by an abusive man, because they make an art form of finding fault in everything about you).
  • Your past mistakes. (They are in the past, after all. Fortunately, abusive men know that they will never be judged for not making mistakes.)
  • Their education.
  • Her family, because an abusive woman is not responsible for her family of origin.

The mistakes that battered women make have nothing to do with the alleged crimes that their partners reproach them for. These errors are errors of judgment that battered women make unconsciously, causing them enormous suffering.

The 7 mistakes

1) Turn a blind eye to their first unacceptable tantrums. You say you do it because you love it. He interprets her acceptance as collusion. In his eyes, it has given him clear proof that he is a doormat.

2) Try again and again to make the abusive relationship work. When an abusive partner has told you, either in words or actions, 3, 4 or 5 times, that they do not value you or the relationship, you have to believe it. He is offering you his mission statement. Time to go to the hills.

3) Make excuses. Why would you feel compelled to improve his behavior when you are willing to excuse him? Your excuses give him carte blanche to continue behaving as badly, or worse, than in the past.

4) feel responsible for him. The moment comes when you say; “I’ve had enough. It’s over.” It is scheduled that day and it is ready. Light the crocodile tears. It tells you that it cannot live without you. It has cost him this to discover how much he loves you. From now on he will be a good boy. But he needs your help. You agree, and he’s back to normal. Once again, he has gotten you to charge it. Switch to? Do not.

5) Minimize. It behaves like a heel, and you know it. But you say to yourself: “He had a difficult childhood.” “You have had difficulty at work, or you have been out of work.” “It’s just the drink talking.” Bad behavior is still bad behavior. He has no right to get on you, until you quit.

6) Covering. Your relationship is awful. But you don’t want the world to know. So you put on a brave face. That is collusion. Once again, you are giving him permission to behave as badly as he wants. Because everything will be behind closed doors. In fact, while playing Loyal Little Woman, he can spread poison on you. If you change your tone, who do you think they will believe?

7) Believe in fairy tales. Of course, you do not consciously believe in fairy tales: after all, you are a grown woman, not a girl. But unconsciously, you’re still stuck acting like Beauty and the Beast. I don’t know if you met the Beautiful Prince or the Beast in the first place. I know who you live with. Every last petal has fallen from that rose, the only time the crockery and cutlery dance is when he gets angry, and the Beast is still a Beast. That is all it will ever be. Time to get real And, if some other naive woman wants to play Beauty and the Beast with him, good luck to her. Reality is not like fairy tales. One key difference to keep in mind: in the real world, when you first hang out with someone, they behave their best, wears their most attractive mask. With abusers everything is one way: downhill. The behavior degenerates, the mask falls off, the result is a lot of misery for you. Period.

The real mistakes women make in abusive relationships have nothing to do with flaws or inadequacies. It’s about being too willing to keep believing the best in someone who is trying to show you what an idiot they are. Abusive men don’t give you too many gifts. Showing how unkind and insensitive they can be is the best gift you can have in a bad situation. Accept it kindly, before your abusive partner continues to hit you in your face. And move on.

One thing they never tell you in fairy tales is that the beautiful maiden does not need a man to be happy. She just think she does. But when she learns to be truly happy for herself and herself, she will attract a far better kind of man than a Beast / Prince.

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