Many times, we are so conditioned in the way we speak that we do not realize whether or not we are communicating effectively with our teens. This is especially true when they bother us.
To ensure that you are fostering an environment that encourages your adolescent to talk to you, rather than fear you, the first step is to assess his communication style. The way you express yourself and what you say to your teens, especially when you are angry, can inhibit your relationship with them. Reacting by yelling short sarcastic phrases will generally put most people off, including our teens.
The following are twelve sample statements and questions to avoid saying:
1. When I was your age
2. What part of the word “NO” do you not understand?
3. Because I said so
4. Who pays the mortgage around here?
5. You are NOT going to come out dressed like this
6. What do you see in it, can you do better?
7. You have it so easy today
8. I didn’t say that
9. You live under my roof, you live by my rules
10. Do you have PMS?
11. When are you going to grow up?
12. This conversation is over.
Activity:
Think about the things you say that are similar to the above and create a list. Then meet with your teen and ask for their input. Explain that you are doing this because you love her and want her to trust you and not be afraid to come to you to talk about things that are important to her. Go over the list and then ask your teen to add any statements that they may have missed. For example, you might say, “Tell me the things I tell you that hurt you or keep you from wanting to talk to me about important issues.” Add them to the list and write them down mentally. Then ask your teen to tell you when he reacts to his behavior and use any of those phrases. Emphasize that improving communications is a “two-way street” and that you will do your part to make things better. Then add that you also expect her to do her part, as it will take both of you to work on improving communications.
To do
Remember to have a “thick skin” and to thank you for your comments when you provide them, even if you are angry. The best way to change this reactionary behavior is to try to think before you react and to talk more constructively with your teen. Think about how you would react at work if a subordinate or coworker did something to upset you. As angry as he may be, he would strive to act professionally because his job depended on it. If you react and your daughter catches your eye, thank her and then discuss the issue more constructively because your relationship depends on it.
You should also set guidelines with your teen, rather than setting rigid rules that will alienate her and create a vicious cycle of miscommunication and resentment.
One-sided disarmament is the first step in showing your teen that you are serious about improving communications with her. When you lead by example, you are laying the foundation and setting your expectations. This works better than “do what I say, not what I do”. reactionary approach that makes your teen more rebellious.
Copyright 2004 by V. Michael Santoro and Jennifer S. Santoro, All rights reserved.