When I was young I was taught that crying was not good. After all, the message was that if you cry too much, “you’re going to get sick.” Crying, especially in public, was definitely bad news. In short, crying, even during grief, was considered a sign of weakness. If you were going to cry, do it in private.
Over the years, this and many other natural ways of displaying emotion have been stifled by many of the celebrities who always strike a stoic pose when they appear on camera. (I always remember the death of President Kennedy and the way Jackie showed little emotion during the funeral and on television.)
Many additional beliefs about the expression of emotions were belittled for years, as Western culture had embraced the “tough individualism” view of dealing with life in all its manifestations. Expressing emotion was out and being strong was definitely in. Keeping the excitement inside is currently the cultural norm.
However, psychology and the social sciences have shown time and again the importance of expressing, in some way, what happens inside; in fact, it can save your life. If you’ve been trained by the authority figures in your life to suppress your feelings or if you can’t cry (much to do with unconscious beliefs instilled early in life) when one is expected to do so, consider the following.
1. We are made to vocalize feelings and tell our stories. This is an inherent and normal human response. Its purpose is to relieve the stress of trauma and the massive changes that occur in each life. There is a basic human need to externalize the pressure and pain that develops within you.
2. What is the alternative when we repress the anxiety, anger, fear, guilt or pain that creates a significant loss? The physical self pays a huge price to perform this task. Stress hormones are accelerated and every cell in the body is affected. I repeat, every cell in the body is very stressed. Energy reserves are depleted.
3. A more vicious result of filling in the feelings is that our unconscious and our memory banks keep them alive forever in full force. Consequently, it is easy for us to experience deep pain throughout our lives when something we see in a movie or on a television show or read in the newspaper, awakens terrible feelings and memories that we never deal with.
So what can you do? The obvious answer is to find a way to tell your story of pain and disappointment. If you don’t have a best friend who is a good long-term listener (a resource we all need to develop), find a counselor, clergyman, or support group. You can also express your feelings by writing, drawing, painting, or sculpting. Get close to God to unload your load. You may need multiple routes of release.
Give in to the natural inclination to share the pain of loss. There is nothing weak in doing it. It is not simply highly therapeutic, it will lead you to understand your loss and how to cope with it (verbalizing our feelings often leads to new interpretations and thoughts). When appropriate, ask your good listener for valuable feedback.
Do your best to change the pattern of how you cope with loss and change, and encourage your children to be open with you about their feelings. View the process as seeking wisdom and making wise decisions. Let periodic expression, in which you explore the deepest depths of your feelings, become part of your long-term healing process. We all need the nurturing and feeling of community that sharing feelings naturally produces.