Dating is a time to meet a person with whom you plan to spend the rest of your life. Someone described it as ‘the process of feeling your way into another’s mind’.
In Victorian times, courtship was an established ritual. The groom-to-be would ask the girl’s parents for permission to woo her daughter. The girl was often accompanied by an older woman, who ensured that moral codes were not flaunted and that the rules of etiquette were upheld. The courtship could not continue indefinitely, but lasted between three and six months.
In many Eastern societies, marriages are arranged by parents or relatives. There is no courtship period. The boy and the girl are virtually strangers when they get married.
The animal world also has its courtship rituals. The male selects a mate for the sole purpose of mating. He dances or touches or shows her beauty or skill in fighting to impress the woman. But it is his prerogative to accept or reject his proposals.
There is a difference between courtship and courtship. Dating is friendship with no strings attached. It does not require a long-term commitment and does not have to lead to marriage. It is a casual social activity for a limited period of time and is not limited to one person.
Young people today view this premarital interlude as a private matter between two people contemplating marriage. Their focus is on learning from each other, on interpersonal relationships, fellowship and the joy of sharing their lives. They can meet and talk face to face or by phone or email. There may be exchange of letters and SMS. They go out to eat or to the movies together or participate in some mutually acceptable activity. Exchanging gifts, flowers, or tokens of affection will improve your relationship.
However, many young people rush to get married without understanding its meaning. Fueled by myths, romantic ideas and expectations, they are convinced that marriage is ‘happily ever after’. This is a sure recipe for frustration. Romance is exciting and invigorating, but it has a short shelf life. For marriage to be exciting and energizing, it’s important to demystify romance and get your priorities right. Couples need to get rid of the myth that marriage is one long honeymoon and clarify their expectations. Choosing a life partner should not be taken lightly.
Rod McKeun says, “A soul mate is someone who knows the song to your heart and can sing it to you when you’ve forgotten the words.”
Compatibility between partners is therefore of paramount importance.
• Know each other’s background: Are there big differences in social status and lifestyles? Is there a willingness on both sides to make some adjustments?
• Matching Minds: Do you have matching temperaments or do you disagree on many issues? Is there respect for the other?
• Moral commitments: Do you believe in the fidelity and permanence of marriage? Are you willing to work hard to keep your marriage intact?
• Religious beliefs: Will religious differences work against your marriage?
• Respect for Other’s Separation: Khalil Gibran has some valuable advice for those contemplating marriage. “Let there be spaces in your togetherness and may the winds of heaven dance between you. Keep close together but not too close together, for the pillars of the temple stand apart, and oak and cypress do not grow in each other’s shadow.”
• Accommodation: Is the man willing to let his wife look for a job? Is the woman willing to give up her professional activity for family life if necessary? It is necessary to strike a balance between dependency and independence.
Communication should be easy and free. This will allow partners to learn about each other’s likes and dislikes, eccentricities and likes.
• Verbalize individual needs and concerns
• Be open about shortcomings such as laziness, procrastination, temper. Discuss secret addictions or form romantic relationships.
• Show your positive attributes such as creativity, diligence, integrity, compassion.
• Discuss important topics such as sex, children, family relationships, in-laws, contraception.
• Finances – one’s attitude towards money, extravagant or greedy, hoarder or spendthrift?
• Illnesses – Any chronic or contagious illnesses? Genetic disorders? Mental illness?
Communication should be both verbal and non-verbal as well as in body language and behavior. Is your partner honest, understanding, friendly, and trustworthy?
Mutual commitment is a step of faith. When it is mutual, it will strengthen the marriage bond. Both must be willing to give up certain liberties and take on new obligations when necessary. If one partner is suffering from commitment anxiety, it needs to be addressed. When the desire to build a life together is serious, anxiety gives way to trust.
“The ability of spouses to change enough to meet each other’s minimal needs” will ensure the longevity of the marriage, advises Dr. Jack Donavon.
Social, moral and spiritual guidelines must be formulated on which the relationship can be built. This also requires commitment from both partners.
There is little point in building a future together if two personalities are incompatible, if communication between them is not free and easy, and if they are not willing to commit to a life of fidelity. It is always wise to prayerfully find out if it is God’s will for you to marry the person of his choosing.
“Do not choose your friends by their outward appearance, for feathers float high and pearls are low,” Alexander Pope says of friendship. It could well apply to the choice of life partners.