Several years ago I suffered from vertigo attacks. This off-balance disturbance was literally like spending the day in a whirlwind at a carnival, except the ride never stopped. The first time this happened to me I got out of bed and crashed into the wall, both the room and the floor were spinning. I spent the rest of the day lying on my back afraid to move my head for fear that this internal turbulence would start again.
It took several tests and two doctors to determine that she had vertigo. In medical terms, this is a condition that does not pose a real threat to health and has no explanation. Unfortunately, the medication did little for me except make me drowsy and dizzy. Like many things in life, I learned to compensate when vertigo hit, not moving my head quickly, not looking up or down, and kept my eyes straight ahead. When a coworker suggested that my vertigo might not just have a physical cause, I began to explore other possibilities.
His comment was well targeted, at that point I was like Cinderella living with the two evil stepsisters. My two teenage daughters were a constant challenge. They were like a wrestling team, one would go in weakening my resolve and then just when I thought I had a game plan they would disengage. It was definitely off balance, both literally and figuratively.
Medical science searches for the causes of cancer, autoimmune disorders, chronic fatigue syndrome, and many other conditions, but often ignores one of the most pervasive factors that lead to disease, the hidden stress embedded in our daily lives. As I read countless books on the mind-body connection, I began to realize that what might need more than a new drug was some insight and emotional self-awareness.
I started tracking my bouts of vertigo and bingo to coincide with conflicts I was having with my daughters. The first was a classic. My oldest daughter had just left her summer job to go to the 1999 Woodstock concert. She would be back in time to pack for college. She seemed to have little concern for the lost income from more summer jobs. That bothered me but what bothered me the most was the concert itself. Four days of what seemed like total debauchery to me. I handed her a bucket and a roll of toilet paper and told her have fun. The entire time he was away I was tormented by watching the webcam at the concert, it seemed to be a gathering of the best of the wildest and I was miserable knowing that my daughter would join this event.
It took me a while to make the connections, but I realized that I was emotionally entangling my daughter’s decisions with my own worth, and I was left with a heavy knot. I felt the weight of the judgment that I thought was coming. I deflected family conversations about her not realizing that putting so much energy into denying and hiding things was costing me my sense of personal balance, I was stumbling, spinning and not even looking up or down.
Fortunately, time, self-reflection, and the decision to let love be my guide have helped me in my personal evolution. I also found an excellent otolaryngologist and between the two of us vertigo is a thing of the past.
I recently told this story to my youngest daughter, who is now a medical student. She marvels at the mysterious connections between mind and body that have been revealed to her in the gross anatomy lab. She said that the proof of this can be found in the study of male penile erection. All it takes is one thought transmitted to the primitive brain for blood to flow and fill the penis. How all of this happens is truly a medical mystery because physical change begins with a thought.
Do we really need more evidence to know that our emotions and thoughts have a powerful influence on the health of our bodies?
It is not only what we do but what and how we think. I have come across many women who have experienced vertigo. As I share my story I ask you to reflect on this; Who or what keeps you off balance? I don’t know why this condition seems to affect more women. Maybe it’s because as mothers our own image is reflected through our children. It’s hard to find balance like that. Perhaps what we need is a mirror that focuses on more than just a reflection of ourselves.