Misunderstandings are common in marriage. A partner misunderstands the intended message. These messages can usually be easily cleared up by reflecting on your confusion. Lack of communication is even more likely during a marital crisis. Mixed messages are a common source of miscommunication and can be more difficult to clear up.
Mixed messages are the result of your partner giving conflicting messages. For example, your spouse expresses concern for her well-being and then says something hurtful. You are drawn to the warmth and then itchy to the coldness in your partner’s voice. Like a purring cat that suddenly bites your hand, you become suspicious of your partner’s messages.
Mixed messages often occur because what is said does not match how it is said. For example, your partner has a sad facial expression but denies that anything is wrong. Another example is a wife who has spent much less time at home, but says, “I’m not avoiding you.” You receive a message through the expression of your partner that conflicts with what they tell you.
The question, “Do you love me?” is answered (in a monotone voice), “You know I love you.” Words are words of love; but are they? The voice has no expression of love. Your spouse may proclaim love, but there is no affection to accompany the words. They kiss you only when you ask for a kiss. The kiss communicates love, but the stiffness of your partner’s body communicates distance.
Try to clarify the message to determine which message is correct. This produces few clarifications and more mixed messages. When you confront the inconsistencies in your partner’s messages, they tell you that you are wrong or that they are avoiding you.
The most hurtful mixed messages are the ones that define the relationship. These are painful because you need to understand the state of the relationship. The most common mixed message a drifting spouse gives is “I love you but I’m not in love with you.” Since “love” and “not being in love” are opposite sentiments, the message is not clear. You keep thinking, “What does this mean?” “I love you” sounds positive but “I’m not in love with you” sounds negative. Obviously something is missing, but what is it? Is there any hope embedded in the message? You feel confused and want more information, information that is not available.
Mixed messages can serve to indirectly express rejection, as if a mixed message were less harmful. That is one of the reasons why the clarification is not successful. Clarifying the position would force your partner to accept the responsibility of distancing himself from you. However, the most common reason for mixed messages is that your spouse wants to distance himself but has not made a decision about whether or not to remain committed to the marriage. Mixed messages reflect the mixed feelings that lie within.
Mixed messages from your spouse are not difficult to interpret because you have failed to clarify the message. Mixed messages are difficult to understand because your spouse is in a state of internal turmoil. Naturally, you are biased and want to believe any positive messages that hold out hope that the relationship can survive this crisis. You also want to ignore the rejection, hoping it’s temporary. If you listen to the message, you will learn more about your spouse’s inner turmoil than you will about the relationship. You cannot get an accurate picture of your spouse’s view of the relationship until your spouse gains inner clarity.
- Stop wasting unnecessary time clarifying your partner’s messages.
- Reflect acceptance that your partner is unclear about your feelings and therefore offers unclear messages.
- Forget analyzing everything your partner says, you’ll know where you stand when your partner has made that decision for themselves.
- Put your energy into personal care. Socialize with those who care about you. Nourish your body, mind and spirit.