I never understood women who supported their husbands after they cheated on them, until the same thing happened to me. Turning off your feelings like a light switch or just forgetting all the good times is easier said than done. And I know I’m alone feeling this way. I get a lot of emails from wives who say things like, “My husband cheated on me and I’m mad at him, but I can’t help it. I still love him” or “How weak am I? My husband cheated on me.” , but I can’t kick him out or turn my back on him. I still love him. I don’t want to let this destroy my family. Am I wrong to feel this way? , but I still love him. What’s happening to me? I will try to answer these questions in the following article.
What you feel is valid: First, I want to assure you that no matter what you are feeling right now, it is perfectly normal and absolutely valid. Your feelings and reactions after learning of the affair will run the gauntlet and will likely differ from day to day. One day you may be furious. Next time you may be sad. Another day you may feel guilty or ashamed. These fluctuating feelings, while frustrating, are completely natural.
You will have to be patient with yourself as you process this. Healing does not happen overnight and it is not linear. It will often go forward only to regress a bit later. That doesn’t mean you’re behind or not making progress. It simply means that an adventure is a very hard hit and is very difficult to maneuver.
Don’t worry about what other people think: One thing that was very difficult for me to overcome is the fear of what others would think of me. I made the mistake of telling most of my friends about the adventure. So, they were just as mad at my husband as I was. This felt good at first, but when I started to suspect that he wanted to save my marriage, I started getting comments like “just watch him so he doesn’t do it again” or “you’re a better person than me. I’d kick you out immediately,” or “Isn’t cheating a deal breaker? How could you even consider accepting it?”
Of course, these things made me doubt what I was feeling and made me feel like I was constantly wrong or had no backbone. One day a new friend (who didn’t know my husband) gave me some very good advice. She said, “Listen, the only one who has to live your life is you. The only one who needs to worry about your marriage is you and your husband. You are the only one who knows if his actions are good enough for you.” And that’s the only one that matters: you.”
This really moved me. The truth is that my friends were only in my life for a few minutes a day, but my husband had walked the path with me for years, he had raised my children with me, and he knew me like no one else. These things cannot be dismissed just because my friends didn’t see or experience them.
Separation of the person from the act:I often think that the people who cannot forgive infidelity no matter how hard they try are those who are unable to separate the person (their husband) from the actions (the infidelity). They are never able to get to the place where they can’t think about their husbands and the affair at the same time.
But, some people are able to do this, which is why forgiveness and another chance are sometimes possible. This was my case. It took me a long time, but I was finally able to separate the man who had sacrificed himself for our family from the man who made a bad decision. Some people are never able to do this, and that too is perfectly normal. But it’s just as normal (and healthy) to be able to separate the two.
Some things that can help you feel better about continuing to love him: After a while, I decided that while I still loved my husband, there were things I needed to move forward while maintaining my self-respect. I needed to know that my husband was willing to do the necessary work to ensure this never happened to me again. I needed him to be really sorry and to check in frequently. I needed him to keep no secrets from me, no matter how small. And I needed him to support me while he did some individual work on myself.
He was happy to do these things, and his disposition told me that he was trustworthy, that he felt it, and that the marriage was worth fighting for.
This decision is very individual and there is no right or wrong answer. But, if you still love your husband after an affair, that doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you. It simply means that you were able to separate the person from the act and that you chose your marital history over a poor decision.