I often hear from wives who have some issues about whether their husbands are “in love” with them or not. And, if husbands are, wives often measure this love by degrees, compared to how much the wife loves him. She often comments, “My husband doesn’t love me as much as I do him. I make all the compromises and advances in the relationship. He never makes any effort or shows me attention or affection. It’s as if he just tolerated me. He doesn’t he asks about my day or makes any effort to interact with me. It’s like I’m someone who just coexists. On a scale of one to ten, I love him at a level of eleven. And he loves me at a level that’s roughly one. ” .
I understand that this is a lonely and frustrating place. I experienced this in my own marriage and the way I handled this almost ended that same marriage. Through experience and research, it became quite clear to me that there is a right way and a wrong way to handle this situation. I will discuss more about this matter in the next article.
Keeping the score is not the best idea for a marriage. The question is not which spouse loves the other the most: the question is: Do both spouses feel loved? I understand how depressing it feels when you suspect that you are the only one who is truly “in love” or trying to keep the marriage afloat. But sometimes wives become so focused on measuring how much their husband loves them compared to an imaginary yardstick that has few (if any) real-life implications. This really does nothing to change or improve your situation.
I often tell wives to give up comparisons and worry instead about whether they feel loved, wanted, and valued. Obviously the answer is most likely no, but at least you’ve shifted your focus from keeping score to something you can take concrete action on.
It can also be very important to understand that men are not as demonstrative as women. Therefore, expecting your husband to be a spouse who compares to you in terms of showing his feelings may not be entirely realistic. Very few husbands express their love and affection in the way wives normally do. This doesn’t mean they don’t love you enough. It simply means that you will have to teach him to express himself and you will have to encourage behaviors that make you feel noticed, understood and loved.
Some wives tell me that they resent having to do all the work and having to train their husband to do something that he should automatically do. These points are certainly valid. But, in my experience, it’s better to give a little in exchange for what you really want than to remain angry, frustrated, and outraged while your needs are not being met. It is important to address and fix this problem before you start to withdraw yourself. Because when you have spouses who are on the verge of indifference, this can leave the marriage in real trouble.
When you are concerned that your husband’s lack of affection for you means that he is not committed to the marriage or that he eventually wants to go out: I often find that wives who tell me their husbands don’t love them enough fall into two camps. The first is a situation where the marriage is probably really fine, but the husband has made a habit of not showing his affection or needs to relearn that lesson. This scenario is easier to fix.
The second scenario is that the husband’s lack of affection is due to problems within the marriage or because he is no longer involved in it. This is the scenario that you often cannot afford to ignore. Because often, their withdrawal from you is a symptom of a much bigger problem. So trying to teach a husband to show you the feelings that just don’t exist isn’t likely to work.
Instead, you will need to examine why the feelings are gone, fix and address the problem, and then reevaluate. It’s probably easier said than done. Because in the same way that husbands are not demonstrative, neither do they usually have firm control over their feelings and perceptions. They may well know that something is wrong and act accordingly. But unlike us, they don’t stay up at night exploring and mulling over the subject. They are more reactive. When something is wrong, they withdraw and reorganize their efforts instead of thinking about their feelings.
They may not even realize they are doing this or not even understand why they are doing it. And that may be one of the reasons why they insist that nothing is wrong or that you are imagining things. Since they haven’t thought about what the problem is (or even if it exists), you seem like a real nuisance or complainer when you address the symptom. This is why it is often much better to work and act on your own (especially in the beginning).
One of the biggest mistakes I see many wives make is that they dwell on a sensitive topic with an already distant and distant husband. So they are already on shaky ground and it is clear that he is resisting, but they think that if they can get him to “work” to solve the problem, things will improve. The problem with this is that it has already started to retire. You probably don’t want to “work” on the marriage, at least now. You will have to return it to an investment point before you can gain real ground.
Most wives understand this deep down, but they hesitate or rush because they don’t know how to get their husbands to be receptive to them again. Often the key is to take an inventory of the marriage and see where the husband might not be getting what he wants and then provide that without the need for lengthy or painful discussions about the same.
And that’s a common place where handcuffs get stuck. I often hear comments like “But how am I supposed to do this? I’m already the one giving all the attention and affection and that’s not working either.” Often times, the issue is not really demonstrative affection (at least on the husband’s part). The real problem is usually the real connection and the feeling of being truly heard, valued and understood. It is also important for both parties to know that no one is making the moves, keeping score, scolding, or trying to manipulate the other.
I often tell wives to focus on what they can do genuinely and convincingly. Husbands know when they are putting on a show or trying to overcompensate for what the underlying problem really is. They don’t want more of the same. They don’t want to be manipulated. They often want real changes and improvements rather than worrying about how things look on the outside.