Dr. Nancy Kalish, professor of psychology at California State University,
Sacramento, is the only researcher of couples who reunited with ex boyfriends.
His book, Lost & Found Lovers: Facts and Fantasies of Rekindled Romances, 1997,
is based on his first four years of research (now 11 years). Answers to the questionnaire
included 1,001 participants, ages 18 to 89, in all 50 states, and 35
countries. In addition, the book contains the lost love stories of the couples in their
own words.
These early participants found their lost lovers without the Internet, which in
1993 was nonexistent as we know it today. Since the publication of her book, she
has surveyed, met, emailed, and talked to over 2,500 Lost Love participants.
The findings indicated that even before the World Wide Web, it was common
for people to reunite with lost loves from their past. Now of course it’s even more
common, with websites like Reunion.com (Kalish is your relationship expert)
and people search engines like yahoo.com.
This is not a baby boomer or senior generation phenomenon. People of all ages
rekindle romances, as a more ordinary way of finding love. In fact, half of the
participants were under 35 years old.
But people are not reunited with just any lost love from the past; the majority
participants, regardless of their ages, returned to someone they loved when
they were 17 years old or younger. These are the romances that parents often put down, calling
they puppy loves. But these were the same loves that my participants took more
Seriously over time, the loves they missed the most.
Parents not only looked down on these young romances, but many played a role.
to put an end to these romances. When I asked participants why their initial romances
separated, the reason cited by the largest group of respondents was: “Parents
Disapproved.” Years later, when the couple reunited, they still resented that past
intrusive from parents. Many parents went to extreme lengths to separate the young couple.
from hiding letters to jailing the young. Happily reunited couples
adults regret more if their childbearing days are over and they will never be able to have
children together.
Other typical reasons for initial breakups include “We were too young”,
“He moved”, “He left to join the military”, and “He went to college”. but only one
very few couples checked the “We didn’t get along” box. These were not
neurotic couples who try and try again and come back for another round of emotional exchange.
cannonade. People don’t change much when it comes to personality, so a meeting
with an abuser would be a poor choice. The reasons why romances broke up years ago.
back they were situational, so years later, during the second romance, the original
the roadblocks were gone.
Journalists often assume that most revived couples meet again at school.
meetings. This turned out to be a false assumption. Very few couples waited until
the year of the school reunion to reconnect. The two most common ways
gathered were writing a letter or an email to lost love, or placing a
phone call. They had no trouble finding the other person in most cases, so
turns out to be just another myth that people needed to use a detective agency.
Only 4 people out of 1001 used a detective. Most people leave a trail when
move: relatives who stayed in the old hometown, mutual friends who know the
current address, or an alumni association of the school that is willing to send a letter to
the new address Or now, Internet.
People don’t usually go looking for lost loves unless they are happy and
secure within themselves. These are not desperate and lonely individuals who are
they are afraid of forming new bonds, so instead they take the easy way out and find again
and old love. Quite the contrary. People search when they feel good, and that
makes sense. Would you go to a school reunion and let your old friends see you, if
were you unemployed or depressed? No, we all want to do our best, —
especially if we want to recover someone who left us.
Usually it is the person who was initially abandoned by the other, the “abandoned”, who
does the search.
Perhaps the most surprising finding of all is that the second time, these
Romances are very successful, as long as both people are single, divorced, or
widower. 72% of couples reported that they were still together at the time they married.
filled out the questionnaire. And if the partners had been first loves, they were.
successful 78% of the time. Participants often describe their romances as
“comfortable” and “familiar”, but these words do not indicate a boring attachment.
Most couples reported that this experience of love lost and found was the most
affective and sexual romance throughout their love story.
They are “soulmates,” the couples said, and many believe that a “Superior
Power” has brought them back together. Because of this, they believe that
never be separated again. This is not a fantasy. It is a love that was interrupted.
But there is a decidedly detrimental and unexpected consequence of seeking
for love lost online: marriages that probably would have survived have collapsed
when a lost lover entered the scene. Kalish research from 1993-1996 indicated a
extramarital rate among these couples of 30%. Currently, the extramarital rate of
couples who contact Kalish is 82%, and most of these people have
they were found on the internet.
These people did not expect the reappearance of a lost lover to carry such a
blow. They thought they could just catch up on old times, get “closure” or even
have lunch with this old friend. Kalish Lost Love participants report that they were
blind; they didn’t expect his feelings to come back, with a vengeance, from
their past They did not understand the risks of their marriages. knowing the
possibilities in advance will help people make more informed decisions.
Any medium can be misused, and technology should not be blamed for these
marital problems, says Kalish. For single, divorced or widowed people,
Rekindled romances are a fantastic way to find your soul mate. if someone is
married, he or she should not search for a lost love.
You have permission to publish this article electronically or in print, free of charge,
as long as the bylines are included. A courtesy copy of your publication would be
appreciated