I went to my first NHL game the other night with my dad, my sister, and their oldest son, a contest between the Detroit Red Wings and the Buffalo Sabers. The game was exciting and the atmosphere at Joe Louis Arena was electrifying. It was the kind of event that everyone should have the privilege of attending at least once in their life. I know I was lucky, especially since the seats were free and only four rows from the ice. Being a fan of fast hockey, I was in heaven. Until the beginning of the third period.
As we settled into our seats preparing for the record to drop, my sister casually leaned in and whispered, “The guy sitting next to me is chewing tobacco and spitting it into a cup.” Now I had noticed that the man was making two fists when he passed, but I thought both mugs were full of beer. A common sight in the game. Acceptable behavior if you can handle liquor. But chewing tobacco? I guess I am a non-smoker myself; I just thought that a no smoking rule covered all tobacco products. Apparently he was wrong.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not an overzealous prudish or anti-tobacco lobbyist or even anti-chew. In general, people should be free to do whatever they want as long as it doesn’t affect those around them. Unfortunately, watching the man chew the tobacco, spit it out into a clear plastic cup, and then chase after him with a sip of beer left me nauseous and a little concerned for the man’s health. So I did some research.
According to [http://www.tabaccofacts.org], chewing tobacco or spit tobacco is made from a mixture of tobacco, nicotine, sweeteners, abrasives, salts, and over 3,000 chemicals, and 28 of those chemicals are known to be carcinogens as
o Polonium 210 or, in simple terms, nuclear waste
or formaldehyde – embalming fluid
or cadmium: used in car batteries
or cyanide
or arsenic
or lead
Mmmm delicious! No wonder saliva trapped in the five o’clock shadow looked like diarrhea. It was all a waste. Chemical waste. How attractive. I know he wanted to reach out and plant a big, sloppy kiss on his cup. Too bad she was wearing a wedding ring. Another missed opportunity for me.
It’s not just about the obvious health risks like gum disease, tooth decay and disease, bone loss in the jaw, yellowing of the teeth, and cancer. This is the chronic bad breath caused by chewing.
Guys, listen to this! No woman wants a man with chronic bad breath. A little body odor we can handle, there are over-the-counter remedies for that, but if you open your mouth and emit an odor that even resembles a funeral home, I can guarantee your girl is not going to be in the mood. Now or never.
So ditch the chew, brush your teeth and maybe even suck on a mint (it can’t hurt) and whatever you do don’t force me to hold your spit while you go to the bathroom. It’s in bad taste. I loved going to the game, but let me enjoy third period in peace.