As an avid soccer fan, I have been intrigued by the recent debacle with a local soccer team that saw two players suspended by the club until the end of the season. The two players were involved in a car accident following a drunken binge. They then lied about the nature of their involvement, severely embarrassing the club and leading to their suspension.
As it is not the first time that a player from this team has come into conflict, the entire culture that exists within the club is being questioned.
Bad behavior will generally be endemic unless the culture of the group is changed.
The general consensus is that player misbehavior off the pitch will not change until the culture of the club changes. The leadership group needs to work hard to create a culture that encourages the right behaviors.
The same principle applies to families.
When parents focus on promoting the right culture within their family, children’s behavior will generally align with that culture. This requires parents to be effective leaders of the family rather than just being competent managers of children’s behavior.
What kind of culture should we focus on?
There is no doubt that the family culture that has the best results for children is one that promotes the following values:
(1) Shared responsibility: As a family they share decisions, responsibilities, joys and problems.
(2) Equity: Parents and children have the same rights to be heard and influence others.
(3) Mutual respect: We treat each other fairly and with respect. This is shown when we listen to each other, do not pit down and care about each other.
(4) Self-discipline: It’s about personal responsibility. Parents teach children respect for order, control their impulses, regulate their behavior within limits, and develop an appreciation for the rights of others.
(5) Cooperation: Cooperation is a group-oriented notion and is a two-way thing where children consider how their behavior affects others. Cooperation will not be forced or bought.
The challenge for parents, of course, is that the playing field is not easy. You’re working with kids who wear L plates when it comes to getting along. They are not mini-adults. They are children!
But this gives parents a distinct advantage. In the first seven or eight years of life, children are like sponges absorbing the prevailing values and messages of the significant adults in their lives. So making the most of these years of opportunity is key. The messages children receive get quite mixed as they progress into adolescence.
The most appropriate parenting style to positively impact the family culture is the authoritarian leadership style. This style typically involves three broad aspects:
(1) Fostering and Fostering Relationships
(2) Boundary setting and accountability
(3) Involve children in the family business
The third item on this list is perhaps the most challenging for most modern parents. Giving children a voice in the family is a good management principle, as children are more likely to stick to decisions in which they have had a say.
But how do parents make this happen?
Tenure Regular Family Roundtables is the solution They provide opportunities for families to sit down regularly and provide information to children in a structured way.
Family Round Tables they are brilliant vehicles for parents to establish strong and vibrant cultures in their families. They are best done in the prime years (ages 4 to 10) and require some effort, but the benefits in terms of outcomes for children; in terms of creating stronger and more harmonious families; and in terms of reducing parental stress they are huge.