It’s true that not everyone who tells their spouse they want them to leave, take a break, or seek a trial separation is telling the absolute truth. In fact, many spouses will make these statements simply because they want to get their spouse’s attention or are trying to get their spouse to change. Some spouses will make this statement when they are uncertain about their marriage, or feel insecure in it. The hope is that your spouse rises to the occasion, fights for the marriage, and shows love for her. Unfortunately, he doesn’t always react the way we’d expect.
This is what I mean. A wife might say, “I never intended for my marriage to be in jeopardy because of this. But I was so mad at my husband at the time. He’s started hanging out with this group of friends that I can’t stand. So he drinks and he acts like a frat boy. I know he’s trying to fit in at his new job and part of fitting in is hanging out with his coworkers. But I married a responsible guy who doesn’t seem immature. The way my husband is acting now, he is not the man I married. We had many arguments and even fights about this, so to get his attention, I told him that if he loved his friends so much, he should move out and stay with them. He did. I anticipated that he would beg me to come home and promise to stop dating, especially with that group of friends. I expected and wanted him to fight for me. But he seems to accept that we are going to separate. He doesn’t ask me to reconsider, it’s almost as if This is fine with him and he sees it as an opportunity to get out even more with his friends. I am so sad and disappointed. Why wouldn’t he fight for me? Why would he let me go so easily? He doesn’t love me anymore?”
I don’t think it’s fair or right to assume that he doesn’t love you anymore. Everyone responds differently to these types of situations. Even if you and I fight in this situation, that will not be everyone’s answer. And there are plenty of valid reasons why he may be acting a little more passive. I will list some of them below.
It may not be in his personality to fight: If you asked me to go and give a public talk on something that is important to me, it would be very difficult for me to do so, despite my passion for the subject. This is true even if you were only speaking to a small group. There’s a reason I love writing instead of talking. It’s just not in my personality to want to communicate what I’m thinking verbally. It may not be in her husband’s personality to “fight” for you. Some people are just more passive in their actions. This does not mean that they do not feel anything. It just means that they are more reluctant to act on their feelings. Or they may act in a less demonstrative manner.
He can know what you are doing: Your husband may know full well that you don’t really want a separation or divorce. So, knowing this, he feels that he need not do anything but wait. Now, I know what he may be thinking: “well, I’ll show him. I can wait.” But, that’s probably not the best decision. You have to ask yourself what you really want. And if he continues this bluff, he puts his marriage at risk.
You may not like the method: Your husband may be worried and scared about the state of your marriage. But he may also resent that you asked him to leave without talking to you first. He may be reacting to the way you left things rather than the fact that you are living apart at the moment.
He may be hoping it works out without him having to ‘fight’.‘Some people are just optimists who believe that if a relationship is right, things will just fall into place in the end. Your husband may be one of these people. He can know that this will probably work without him having to do anything because, at the end of the day, they love each other. For some people, that is all that is required.
He may be dealing with something else: When people exhibit drastic changes in behavior, this is sometimes an indication that they are under stress. Perhaps you feel a lot of pressure at work. Sometimes people will focus on the stressor that caused the behavior change in the first place instead of focusing on the consequences of the change in that behavior.
Your options moving forward: You may wonder where it goes from here. Well, you have to ask yourself what it is that you really want. You might try this strategy some more and see if you notice or notice any changes in behavior. Or, you could tell him the truth, which is that you miss him and that while you really want to see him adjust his social schedule, you never wanted to officially break up. Instead, she simply thought a break might help both of them gain perspective on how they’re approaching their marriage. Your response may tell you more about what you are really thinking and feeling.
You could try: “I’m a little disappointed that you didn’t have a stronger reaction to being asked to leave and that you didn’t master the exits all along. I know it was wrong of me to ask you to leave.” move for you to change. But he wasn’t sure what else to do. I don’t want a separation, but I do want you to stay at home longer. Is there a way we can commit without us? have to live apart?
Your answer may tell you more than your lack of “fighting.” Not everyone is going to react in the same way. But when you ask him directly, his words can tell you more than his current lack of actions.