A couple of weeks ago, I received an email from a wife who said, “My husband just told me he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. I’m devastated and don’t know how to respond. This is coming.” out of left field. I had no warning. What the hell am I supposed to say or do now?
I had to get more clarification on this. I asked him if by saying he “doesn’t want to be with her anymore” does that mean that he doesn’t want to be with her sexually or that he doesn’t want to be married or part of a couple at all? She responded with “didn’t go into details, but I’m assuming all of the above.”
This is a tough place to be, no doubt. You want to demand answers. You want to lash out and ask how he could just announce that he wants to write you off as casually as he could ask you to pass him the chips or the salt. But, many times there is more to this than meets the eye. He’s saying he wants out, but you’ll likely never know the exact reason until you do some digging or contemplate on your own.
Get to the real heart of the matter: I have seen saved marriages where the wife is never able to figure out why her husband had this change of heart. You can pass. But it will be easier for you if you can identify exactly why she feels that she is better off without you. And, there are so many potential reasons for this. Maybe the intimacy and connection are gone. Maybe you’re starting to date younger single guys at work whose lives seem so exciting by comparison. Perhaps a long-term marriage is causing you to face your own aging process or your own mortality. Perhaps he is under a great deal of stress at work or financially and is projecting these negative feelings of frustration and fear onto you and the marriage.
Regardless of what is happening, it is always a good idea to target your actions and responses to counteract it. Is he jealous of his young single friends and thinks that married life must be stale and boring? Show him that this is not true. Do you feel like the “spark is gone” or that all the two of you do is fight, and therefore things will never change and allow you to be happy? Well, you must change this perception by becoming his partner instead of his opponent. You should discuss calmly rather than passionately “debate” (ie argue).
But how are you going to do this when he’s already withdrawn, when he’s already started to avoid you and tune you out? You must make the message one that he wants to hear. He is sensing that your interactions from this day on will be negative encounters that he wants to avoid at all costs. As soon as you can, you have to change this perception.
Moving purposefully but slowly: Sit him down and tell him that you’re not happy either and that you agree that things could drastically improve, but you don’t agree that the answer is to break up or throw in the towel. However, you realize that he has his opinion and you know that you can’t or shouldn’t try to change that. You respect his right to be happy and perceive things as he wants. So, tell him that he is not going to argue, debate, or go round and round about this topic. He wants to interact in a positive way, no matter where it leads or not.
Some men won’t be sure how to deal with this. They won’t believe you or they won’t respond or they will just shrug and carry on with the status quo. Whatever. You are in control of your own actions and now is the time to start changing things. dust yourself off Stand up and conduct yourself as someone who loves her husband but respects himself enough to value her own happiness. Tell her that she has indicated that she needs time, so you are going to give it to her. To go out with your friends. Do the things you enjoy. Don’t let him see you in a negative, depressed, and giving off the feeling that you’re nothing without him. Men will want to get away from needy, high-maintenance women faster, especially when things are already going downhill.
They often expect you to have a big fight and have you surrender at their feet or demand that you tell them exactly why they are being so selfish or misreading the situation. They will often be quite taken aback when this does not happen. And, when you start going about your business as if the world hadn’t ended, this will be another question mark in your head. Many men will begin to approach or ask questions because they wonder where this change is coming from. He continues to tell them that he loves them and wants them to be happy and that he will not act in a way that takes away their happiness.
At this point, the foundation is laid for change to begin to occur. Suddenly, you are no longer the person preventing them from getting what they want. Suddenly, they no longer have to walk on eggshells. And when this happens, they will be much more receptive and then you can start to reset the positive perceptions that I have been talking about. Know that this will not happen overnight and that you need to move very slowly. If you try to rush or push, your alarm bell will ring “tricks, manipulation, and insincerity.” This is the last thing you want. In reality, you want them to decide to stay based on the truth: that you are his loving wife, that you want them to be happy, and that you know that this is possible if you stay married. They themselves will come to this conclusion if the perception changes from negative to positive.