The blame game is something we’ve all probably played at one point or another with our loved ones. The tendency to fight accusations of guilt by looking for something you can throw at them to equalize the score. These tips for saving a marital item will focus on guilt and retaliation, what’s behind it, and how you can avoid it to save your marriage and stop a divorce.
Guilt has two angles: To pose problems in a relationship. and to hurt the other person.
Now one of these things has a legitimate place in communication when a marriage is in trouble and heading for divorce and the other just speeds it up and accomplishes nothing and breaks the channel of communication in arguing, yelling, and the endless blame game. that plunges you into revenge and anger that is hard to get out of. I think you see which one I mean …
As mentioned, the reason people do this is because there ARE issues in a relationship that need to be addressed, you can’t close your eyes and mind to the fact that you may have made mistakes when someone calls you, but can direct where. you go from there wisely. Of course, this becomes difficult when the tone and intent of this accusation are barbed and poisonous and intended to hurt, but you must make up your mind at this point. Do you want to save your marriage? Or do you want to spiral down the path of divorce?
If you want to resolve the issues and not get divorced, there is a simple formula you can follow when the blame game begins that will defuse the situation, allow complaints to arise, and ultimately allow you not to feel like you have “lost” your honor or respect for itself.
1. Accept the blame
Now, this can make you angry, this can make your blood boil when you are accused of something that perhaps was not your fault or that was very mild and that is being exaggerated in enormous proportions. The problem is refuting that claim simply raises the level of anger and the ability to discuss things rationally, so the first thing you HAVE to do is blur the situation. Just accept the criticism even if you don’t believe it, nod your head and listen and hold on because if you love this person and want to save a marriage, you need to hear it in its entirety, so swallow your pride and I know this is not the end, but hold on. for the sake of your marriage.
2. Listen to the problem behind the complaint.
Blame and accusations don’t come out of nowhere and even if they are exaggerated or just wrong, your job shouldn’t be to return that to them, but rather to listen to the real message behind it. You should try to empathize with your spouse and try to see things from their point of view even if you disagree. This is because a complaint about spending too much money may not actually be about the money spent, but about making decisions together. Or a discussion about perceived flirting with other people could be more about their insecurity and their feelings that they are fading in your interests, even if they trust you. It can be complex and people often don’t say what they really mean when they mean to hurt, so your listening and empathy skills need to be raised to the max.
3. Don’t retaliate!
At this stage, you may have a better understanding of issues, and if you can maintain control of your own language, you may almost make a big breakthrough. Don’t use any insight or knowledge to launch another attack against them because that destroys everything you just learned. Keep your tongue, even agree with them if there is ‘something’ of truth in the accusation, but don’t act defeated or intimidated because you need to be the strong one now and come up with a solution, not give in or retaliate.
4. Question!
This may seem like the last thing you want to do, but delving deeper into your complaint can reveal more hidden anxieties, fears, and problems that you may not even know you have. Talk to them and ask them ‘why’ about certain things calmly and rationally and keep the peace because you may have opened a great line of communication if you can be the bigger person and not get into the blame game.
5. Use this line of communication to address other topics.
If you’ve managed to get anywhere by now, the retaliation that was on your lips but never said can come out in a constructive way by posing it as a problem with no spike attack attached because at this stage you have analyzed your issues in detail. There will often be a feeling of reciprocity that will allow you to express your own point of view.